Driving Me Crazy - The Pokey and The Gapper

I have to talk about these two together, because in combination, they often create one of the biggest headaches commuters face each and every morning - the Complete Stop For No Apparent Reason. “The Pokey” is, as you may have guessed, a slowpoke. Now, I would cringe at the accusation that I am a “Leadfoot” (or “Zippy”, as I’ll talk about at a later date), but I do like to drive fast. Safely, yes, for I do not believe in that bullshit that “speed kills”, but a little fast. (Speed doesn’t kill, bad driving does. Race car drivers survive fast driving all the time.) I feel that the 55 MPH Speed Limit for interstate highways, which were built when the national speed limit was 75 MPH, is too oppressive. I even think that 65 MPH is too low, but at least it’s a lot closer to the speed at which I like to drive. I’m not going to set myself up for a conviction for speeding by saying anything more specific than that. [Now, for purposes of this post, unless I specifically say otherwise, I am talking about driving in ideal conditions - the roads are dry, there is no precipitation, and it is light enough outside to see. In other words, no excuses. None of this "Well, what if it's raining or snowing out? Shouldn't you drive slower and leave a gap in front of you then?" In that case, yes, you would, but we're not talking about that here. Got it? Good.] But the Pokey is the guy who does things like drive 55 MPH in the left-hand lane of a highway on which you are allowed to do 65 MPH. (It’s even worse when he’s a Pacer, too.) I especially hate the assholes who drive at the Universal Speed Limit of 45 MPH because they’re too dumb to read the speed limit signs and know that they can go faster. I know they’re deliberately driving at 45 because they don’t know they can go faster because there was a stretch of road near my home on which the speed limit was a rarely-posted 55 MPH. People would drive along at 45 MPH until they reached the county line where a 45-MPH Speed Limit is posted, and they would speed up to 50-54 MPH. If they were willing to speed up to 5-9 miles over the speed limit at that point, then what did they think the speed limit was when they were tooling along at only 45? They must have thought it was lower, or they would have sped up. Maybe they’re just too afraid to drive. My feeling is that if you’re too afraid to drive, then don’t. Or do it when there’s no one around, like three in the morning or during a blizzard. Then you won’t bother me.

And then there’s the Gapper. Poor Misunderstood Gapper. Nobody appreciates the good he thinks he’s trying to do. And with good reason. He’s only making things worse. “The Gapper” is the name I give to the guy who likes to keep and maintain at all costs an unnecessarily large gap between himself and the car in front of him. I have no problem with the idea of leaving a little distance between you and the guy in front of you, but it doesn’t have to be enough distance to play football in. About two or three car lengths is reasonable enough if you’re the type who pays attention to what’s going on around him. If you think the countryside or the person talking next to you is more interesting than the guy hitting his brakes in front of you, then maybe you should leave yourself a little more room than that. The point is, leave a gap that you can use to slow down safely within, but don’t maintain that distance even when you do come to a complete stop! When I see the guy ahead of me leaving a huge gap in front of him, I’m going to assume that as the cars in front of him slow down, he will utilize that distance to gradually slow down, as opposed to suddenly slamming on the brakes and keeping a good hundred and fifty feet of empty space in front of him. This, in turn, causes me to have to brake suddenly because I’m slowing myself down to come to a stop at a point further up the road. I’m not expecting that the Gapper is only going to use half of all that beautiful space to stop safely. Where the Gapper does more harm than he thinks is when, after coming to a complete stop because of a Pokey way up ahead, he decides to leave a gap in front of him when traffic starts moving again. He might think that traffic will just start moving along at the same 30 or 40 MPH that he’s planning on doing, and that everyone will be able to just move along, but at a slower pace and without having to come to a stop. He is not helping at all. In fact, he is going to cause the exact same thing to happen somewhere behind him in that lane. Here’s why.

Let’s imagine a thought experiment. You can try to actually do this if you think the results will be different than predicted, but I think you’ll agree with what I’m about to propose. Let’s imagine that you have a large jar, but it doesn’t have to be bigger than a gallon, and would probably be better if it were smaller. Then get a funnel with an opening on the bottom that you would be able to plug something in to make it allow less fluid to flow through. Maybe a piece of cork cut to fill half the hole. Lastly, you will need a source of water to pour into the funnel, like a bucket or a garden hose, but something you can control somehow.

Now, if you place the funnel in the mouth of the jar and begin pouring water into it, you will find that the funnel will fill up to a certain point where there is a kind of equilibrium. The water flows down into the jar through the funnel at about the same rate the water gets poured into it. It make back up into the funnel a bit, but it would still flow out at about the same rate that it flows in. Imagine what happens now if you were to plug up the funnel with the cork and begin pouring water into it at the same rate as you did before. Obviously, the flow out the bottom would not be the same as it was before, and the water would begin to back up into the funnel faster than it did before. In fact, depending on how clogged up the hole is, it might even be necessary to stop pouring water into the funnel in order to avoid spilling it onto the counter. Why does this happen? Simply put, more water is flowing in to the funnel than is able to get past the cork and flow into the jar. Does that make sense?

Well, instead of a jar we have an interstate highway (like I-684, the one near my home.) And instead of water, we have cars. And instead of a cork in the funnel, we have one guy going slower than everyone else around him. He may be a Pokey at the head of the line, but he may also be a Gapper. Because the line of cars flowing onto the highway behind him in that lane is going faster than he is, the traffic starts to bunch up, not unlike the water in the funnel when the bottom of it gets corked. Eventually that traffic has to slow down and not pour in so fast. It may even have to come to a complete stop. This is the reason, believe it or not, why you sometimes come to a complete stop on the highway without any visible reason for needing to do so. It’s because someone up ahead of you is going slower than you and most of the people behind you want to go. As I said, it may be a Pokey at the front of the line, but it could also be a Gapper somewhere in the middle. Remember that at the time the Gapper had to come to a stop, there were still cars coming onto the highway, many miles behind him, who were picking up speed and traveling along at 65-75 MPH. They may not even see the backup up ahead but, like the water that continues to pour into the plugged funnel, they’re going to just keep on coming. Sooner or later they’re going to come up on the guy who’s gapping and going at a slower pace, no less. They will have to start to slow down and a bunch up will occur behind them. So instead of “smoothing things out” by leaving a large gap, he’s just causing the same thing to happen behind him. He has become the second cork in the funnel. And that’s why I don’t like Pokeys and Gappers. As far as I’m concerned, they can go cork themselves.

Driving Me Crazy - This Isn’t Any Signal

“This isn’t any signal. It’s a direct statement. If it’s a signal, fine.” - George H. W. Bush, as reported in New York Times, Mar 10, 1980, p B10

On most cars that I have been in, there is a stick coming out of the left-hand side of your car’s steering column which I’m certain is gathering dust in some people’s cars. It’s the lever that operates the turn signals, otherwise more cleverly - and properly - known as “directional indicators”, on account of they’re for indicating which direction you intend to take your car next. And that’s the whole key right there. Until you use your turn signals (I’ll use turn signals if it makes everyone happier, until I have a point to make), people are going to expect that you’re going to continue what you’re doing, especially if what you’re doing is just driving along at a steady speed in the lane you’re currently in. [And unless otherwise indicated, and as will be the usual standard for this series, it is assumed that the roads are clear and dry and the weather conditions are favorable for driving. So none of these, "What if it's raining?" retorts. We'll cover that another time.]

And that brings us to a good tip about using turn signals. There’s a right way to indicate to the driver behind you (let’s call him “Me”) that you’re about to turn into your driveway, and there’s the way too many people who live near me do it. The trick is to remember what the purpose of the turn is signal is. (I’ll give you hint: It has to do with “indicating” a “direction”.) Here comes the next rule:

Wayne’s Driving Rule #2
The proper sequence for making a turn off the main road is:

1. Engage the turn signal (the correct turn signal) about ten to fifteen seconds before you make the turn, but at least five seconds before you hit the brakes.

2. After a pause of about five seconds, begin applying the brakes.

3. Then slow down sufficiently (it’s okay if you have to come to a complete stop because of those discourteous people having the audacity to be coming from the opposite direction) to safely make the turn without turning it into the slowest possible maneuver ever made by man and machine.

You see, it really doesn’t do anybody any good if you wait until you’ve already hit the brakes and started turning your wheel to flip on the turn signal telling Me (the driver behind you) that you’re about to make a turn, when the fact that you are in the process of making that turn already gave it away. How much help do you think flipping on the signal last is going to do?

And by all means, do use that signal if you’re doing anything that would come across as “unexpected” to the non-psychic behind you. (Me, again.) That includes pulling over to the side of the road. That would be one of those excellent occasions where some way of telling the guy behind you (Me) that he can swing around you and get on with his life would be appreciated. It’s just like you’re turning into a driveway, except you’re not actually turning into a driveway. But you still have to put on the signal (I’m guessing it’s going to be to the right), then put on the brakes, then slide off to the side of the road, preferably far enough off so that your car won’t be sticking out into the lane.

But you know, turn signals aren’t just for indicating a complete change in direction (such as perpendicular to the one you were going). They’re also good for letting the cars around you driving at speeds in excess of 65 MPH (and the legal speed limit) that you’re considering cutting over in front of the car moving up swiftly in the lane to your left. (Me again.) Now, in these cases, it isn’t always necessary to hit the brakes, but you still want to turn on that signal a few seconds before you make the actual maneuver. Again, once your car has already swung over in front of mine, causing me to either brake fiercely, swear loudly, crap pungently, or perhaps some combination of all three, what’s the goddamn point in putting on your turn signal then? It’s not like you’re preparing me for something. The best thing is to glance in your sideview (and rearview) mirrors, turn your head to check your blind spot, hit the signal, then wait a beat or two before making your move. And for crying out loud, if you’re going to move over into a lane of traffic that’s going faster than you were, do remember to hit the gas and speed up. (Remember Wayne’s Driving Rule #1.) Otherwise there was no point in moving over in front of the impatient asshole coming up hard on your ass. (Me.)

Driving Me Crazy - The Pacer

Well, lucky you, Dear Readers. Today starts a new feature on Pick Wayne’s Brain. It’s where I finally start fulfilling my dream of being able to tell you about those idiots out there who don’t know how to drive properly. Oh, the things I’ve seen. Worse still, the things I’ve heard about. Well, I’m going to tell you where some of your fellow citizens are going wrong. I’ll introduce you to the vast array of Driver Types that I’ve created over the years (well, “created” in the sense that I thought of them myself and didn’t steal them from anybody, even though someone else might have thought of them, too) including “The Gapper”, “The Pokey” and, today’s target, “The Pacer”. (By the way, how do I know it’s not one of you I’ll be writing about? Because I know that you are all smart people, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this blog. And if there’s one thing I’ve noticed about the people of whom I’ll be writing, it’s this: They’re not very bright.)

A Pacer is one of those people who likes to drive down the interstate (or other multi-lane road) at the same speed as the car next to him. If the people in the middle lane of the three-lane highway are going along at 65 MPH, The Pacer will be in the left-hand lane driving side-by-side with him at the same speed, never zooming ahead and moving in front of him, never dropping back and slipping in behind him. The Pacer is the guy who violates Wayne’s First Rule of Driving:

Wayne’s Driving Rule #1
If you want to drive at the same speed as the people in the lane next to you, then get in the lane next to you.

Is that so hard to understand? I mean, what is the point of having a multi-lane road or highway if you’re going to plant your sorry ass right next to the only other person in the lane next you, thus blocking everyone else from exercising their right to go around you and get the hell away from you? Okay, so you don’t want to get caught by the cops speeding up just to move ahead of the guy. It doesn’t mean you can’t just put on your right turn signal (I’ll be talking a lot about those folks another day), ease off of the accelerator, and slide into the lane behind the guy you’re matching pace with? It’s not rocket science! Okay, so, technically, it is rocket science, but it’s not like you have to solve for any of the variables! Not precisely, anyway. You just have to know when one is less than the other. In fact, that’s the beauty of it. You actually do calculus and rocket science in your head, but you don’t do it with numbers. And if nobody hits anybody else, then you did it right.

Just remember to do it in the right order. Signal first, then ease off the gas pedal, then slide over. Signaling first is most important, otherwise if you slow down first, the guy behind you (probably me) might end up ramming into you, or he might have to hit the brakes hard causing a chain reaction of people suddenly braking behind you. Eventually, if the line of cars behind you is long enough (and on the interstate, that could easily be a mile or two), the people near the very end of that bunch of cars begin coming to a stop because the cars in front of them are going so slowly. And that’s how you find yourself coming to a complete stop on the highway, for no obvious reason in the world. You expect to see debris or, if you’re the ghoulish type, some blood that hasn’t been hosed away yet, but there’s nothing and you wonder for the life of you why you all had to come to a complete stop. The answer is simple. It’s that dickhead Pacer at the head of the line.

Once you’ve put on the signal, then you ease off the gas pedal. For the benefit of any Pacers out there trying to learn from this, I cannot emphasize the importance of following Step One with Step Two, and not skipping ahead to Step Three. I know it’s tempting in this hustle-and-bustle world to want to multi-task and combine two things in one, but this is not the time to be trying that. Remember, there’s been a car beside you this entire time, and if you attempt to complete Step Three before you have completed Step Two, you may find yourself suddenly spinning out of control. Oh, sure. It’ll be cool for the rest of us to watch as your car flips end-over-end, finally coming to rest on the median before bursting into a ball of fire, and you run from the vehicle, flames dancing from your waving arms and legs, as you dive to the ground in a possibly vain attempt to put out the fire, but how would I know because you’re finally no longer in front of me and I can get the hell away from you! Thank you for finally “moving over.”

So, having successfully completed Steps One and Two (in that order), you are now ready to move on to Step Three, the Slide Over behind The Guy Next To You. You want to be careful here. He might be a Pacer, too, and his natural instinct would be to slow down with you so that neither of you is ahead of the other. This, by the way and for the record, is why some of us would like to equip our cars with missiles. But that’s a topic for another blog. (Or maybe “Car Talk” on the radio.) If, as you are about to execute Step Three, you perceive that you are beside a Pacer, your best bet is to suddenly step on the gas and get ahead of him as quickly as possible and then slide over in front of him this time. (Remember, the original plan was to slip in behind him, but he thwarted that artful maneuver by being a dickhead. Switch to Plan B.) At this point, it’s better for all concerned (specifically me, in particular, in the car behind you), that you speed up to get into the next lane rather than slow down because if you slow down, you’re more likely to cause an actual fender-bender about a mile and a half behind you.

That’s all for this edition. If there’s enough enthusiastic support for this column, there may be future editions. (At this point, one favorable comment might be enough.) And be safe out there, there’s a lot of pretty stupid fucking people on the roads.