Pick Wayne's Brain

April 29, 2008

What Is It Going To Take, John Hall?

Filed under: Commentary — Tags: , , , , , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 10:01 PM

I’ve told you every time I’ve met you, Congressman John Hall (D, NY-19), that I wanted you and the Democrats to put an end to the war in Iraq and to hold President Bush and Vice President Cheney accountable for their many, many, many, many (and very many more) violations both of law, and of their constitutional oaths to “faithfully execute the office” they were each about to enter. Neither of these men has done anything “faithfully” since they took office. I thought you understood that! You looked me in the eye and agreed with me that they were awful in their disregard for the law. And you dared to foist upon me your lame excuse, when we met again this past Saturday, about why our troops are still in Iraq and Bush and Cheney are still running around free. You actually tried to tell me that it was our fault, the voters, that you “couldn’t” do anything about Bush and Cheney, because we didn’t send enough of you Democrats to Congress. Well, John, that is bull-fucking-shit, and you know it! (more…)

April 28, 2008

Joke Time: Sunday Morning Sex

Filed under: Joke Time — Tags: — Wayne A. Schneider @ 4:00 AM
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

April 27, 2008

And This Is Because…?

Filed under: Commentary — Tags: , , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 7:03 PM

Well, I didn’t think I would find an example so quickly about the dangers I mentioned in my previous post about Eisenhower. [He warned us about the military-induistrial complex, but not for the right reasons.] We are now using the military as a “make jobs” program to boost our economy, but we are doing it under the guide of “protecting our national security interests.” It’s a lie. The US Navy has decided that it wants to re-establish the Fourth Fleet. (I didn’t know they just “dissolved” them; I thought they just parked the ships some place.) The new fleet will be led by a nuclear aircraft carrier to be used “in support of conter-terrorism efforts.” And from which part of the world do they expect the next threat of terrorism to come? Is it the Middle East, where the Fifth Fleet already patrols? No. Is it off the coast of Asia, where the Seventh Fleet patrols? No. The next threat must be coming from, wait for it, (more…)

Picking My Brain 08-04-27

Filed under: Brain Pickings — Wayne A. Schneider @ 4:31 PM

So are the Mets interested in winning this year or not? Should I be investing a lot of emotion into following them all the way to the end of the season? Or should I just turn off the TV and wait for football season to start?

Craig Ferguson was fantastic at last night’s White House Correspondents Association’s Dinner last night. Go to C-SPAN to find the video of it. And I must admit that Bush was pretty funny, too.

Commercials as I’ve seen it on TV:
Announcer: Did you know that one in three men will experience prostate problems at least once in their lifetime?
Man: One in three?
Announcer: Yes, the other two will be dead by then.

David Attenborough, Nature Documentary Narrator: We’re here to observe a fascinating creature, the Geico Gekko, which has the remarkable ability to save people money on their car insurance. Let’s watch.
(cut to Geico Gekko, standing on top of an old woman, punching her, yelling)
Gekko: Where’s my money? Where’s my money, Mary? (punch) Where is it? You told me you’d have it today! (punch, punch)
Mary, between sobs: I told you I don’t have it yet. (gets slapped) Please stop hurting me.
Gekko: Don’t lie to me, Mary! I saw your Social Security check in your mail box this morning! (punch, punch)
Attenborough: Fascinating.
Okay, so maybe they showed a slightly different version in your area.

I’m fascinated by some of the reaction to my opinion post that the police should not be allowed to use deadly force when no actual danger exists but what is in their minds. People seem to want to jump at the chance to allow the police to use deadly force at, what is for all intents and purposes, their own discretion. I do not understand it

That’s it for this edition of Picking My Brain. Join us next time when we hear Sandy Duncan say, “Aw, crap, has anybody seen my eye? It popped out again!”

Eisenhower Was Right But For The Wrong Reasons

In his farewell address of 1961, President Dwight D. Eisenhower famously warned of a build-up of the “military-industrial comlpex.” He was right in that we be concerned about it, but the reasons we should have heeded his warning were not the ones he stated in his address. Eisenhower was concerned that so much of our annual budget would be devoted to the military-industrial complex, it might gain so much power that it could threaten the peace around the world. He also warned that it might one day dominate the scientific and academic world, to the point where government contracts replaced intellectual curiosity. Stranger still, he also feared that scientists might try to take over the (more…)

April 26, 2008

When the Army Won’t Defend Religious Freedom

Filed under: Commentary — Tags: , , , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 2:57 PM

Though raised a Christian, Army Specialist Jeremy Hall, while stationed in Iraq, came to have different beliefs about the existence of God. He became an atheist. Little did he realize that while he, along with every other person who serves in our military forces, took an oath to support and defend the Constitution, some who took that oath did not take it to mean they had to support not having any religion at all. Specialist Hall had to be transferred out of Iraq due to threats he received because of his atheism. Even at his new assignment, Fort Riley, Kansas, the threats and intimidation continued. What I want to know is, how could so many people be ignorant about what religious freedom means?

When Specialist Jeremy Hall held a meeting last July for atheists and freethinkers at Camp Speicher in Iraq, he was excited, he said, to see an officer attending.

But minutes into the talk, the officer, Maj. Freddy J. Welborn, began to berate Specialist Hall and another soldier about atheism (more…)

Congress Critter On My Corner

Filed under: Commentary — Tags: , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 12:21 PM

Today, as part of his ongoing “Congress On Your Corner” program, my US Representative, John Hall (D, NY-19), was at our local post office to listen to constituent views and help people who need the help of their Congressman. I was willing to wait until he had helped all of the people who actually needed their congressman’s help, but one of the people helping him out insisted that I get in line to speak to him. So I did. And I have to say I was thoroughly dissatisfied with his responses.

I reminded him that when I met him two years ago, I told him that the two most important things to me were ending the war in Iraq, and holding the president and vice president accountable for their many violations of the constitution. And while I appreciate all that he has done, I was disappointed that he and his fellow Democrats have failed to do those two things. His reply, to both of these issues, was, essentially, that the Democrats didn’t have enough votes. That’s (more…)

April 25, 2008

The Police Should Not Use Deadly Force For Imaginary Reasons

Filed under: Commentary — Tags: , , , , , , , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 11:06 PM

The acquittal of three New York City police officers in the execution of Sean Bell (he was shot fifty times, with one officer firing thirty-one times) raises some very serious questions for me. In this case, as in many similar previous cases (around the country, not just in New York City), the justification allowed by the police rests entirely on what they imagined was happening, not what actually was happening. Though the details of this case don’t matter, it turns out that the police had reason to believe that someone at the party had a gun. Does that justify mortally firing at someone, repeatedly, even though they did not see any gun? The problem rests on equating two different kinds of beliefs: those you arrive at through deductive reasoning, and those you arrive at through inductive reasoning. One is usually based on actual facts, the other is usually based on one’s imagination. (See explanation here.)

Deductive reasoning starts with the more general and works toward the more specific to reach a conclusion. Inductive reasoning works the other way around. (more…)

The Supremes Blow It Again

Filed under: Commentary — Tags: , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 1:02 AM

The Supreme Court recently ruled that execution by lethal injection does not constitute “cruel and unusual punishment”. (Side note, would it not have been “unusual” the first time it was done and, to the uninitiated, a tad “cruel”, too?). Oddly enough, while they felt that Kentucky’s Strap-Right-Up-Get-Yer-Three-Shot-Monte Lethal Injection system of capital punishment was constitutional, “a majority could not agree on the proper standard with which to judge execution practices.” But whatever that standard was, they felt Kentucky had met it.

Before continuing, I’ll cut to the chase and state up front that I oppose the use of capital punishment for reasons on which I shall elaborate later. And, yes, I do agree that the Constitution’s specific mention of terms such as “capital offense” clearly and undeniably proves (yes, “proves”) that the Framers found no problem with the use of capital punishment per se. So, no, it is not, in and of itself, unconstitutional. I shall stipulate all of that up front, so there is no need to rehash any of it. Capital punishment is, in and of itself, constitutional. (There, I said it and I’m mad.)

What I feel is unconstitutional is the way in which the sentence has been administered, and upon whom, throughout our justice system. Let’s face facts, (more…)

April 22, 2008

How The Clintons Have Framed The Race

Filed under: Commentary — Tags: , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 11:44 PM

Here in Washington, D.C., the home office of political self-promotion…prevailing Conventional Wisdom has now moved beyond popular consensus over the suddenly “inevitable” presidential nomination of New York senator and Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton to pretentious speculation about her choice of a vice presidential running mate (either Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland or former Marine Corps Commandant Gen. James Jones).

We’ll get to when that was written a little later. My point is that there was a time when Sen Hillary Rodham Clinton was hands-down going to be the first woman nominated from a major political party to be President of the United States of America. (more…)

So Man

Filed under: Parody — Tags: , , , , , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 4:00 AM

All cartoons are posted with the artists’ express permission to Pick Wayne’s Brain.
Jeff Danziger
, Syndicated Political Cartoonist
When ABC News’ Martha Raddatz said to President of Vice Dick Cheney that two-thirds of Americans say the war in Iraq is not worth fighting, he answered with an astonishing amount of callousness. From the official White House website:

Q Let me go back to the Americans. Two-thirds of Americans say it’s not worth fighting, and they’re looking at the value gain versus the cost in American lives, certainly, and Iraqi lives.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: So?

Q So — you don’t care what the American people think?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: No, I think you cannot be blown off course by the fluctuations in the public opinion polls. Think about what would have happened if Abraham Lincoln had paid attention to polls, if they had had polls during the Civil War. He never would have succeeded if he hadn’t had a clear objective, a vision for where he wanted to go, and he was willing to withstand the slings and arrows of the political wars in order to get there. And this President has been very courageous, very consistent, very determined to continue down the course we were on and to achieve our objective. And that’s victory in Iraq, that’s the establishment of a democracy where there’s never been a democracy, it’s the establishment of a regime that respects the rights and liberties of their people, as an ally for the United States in the war against terror, and as a positive force for change in the Middle East. That’s a huge accomplishment.

“So?”, Mr. Cheney? “So”? Is that how you feel about your role in the government of this country? That what the people you serve want of you is of no consequence? And on what exactly, sir, do you base this perogative that you claim? Because you, and you alone, know what’s best for this country? Has it ever occurred to you that you might have been wrong all these years? We all know that the war was about controlling the flow of oil and, therefore, its price. You are happy that the price is so high, because it helps make your friends (whatever countries they may live in) just that much wealthier. The fact is, Mr. Cheney, you just don’t give a damn about the American people, do you?

“So” Man
Original Words & Music “Soul Man” by Isaac Hayes, David Porter, 1967
Additional Lyrics Wayne A. Schneider, 2008

Going hunting from a dusty road
Good lawyer, he got a faceload
And when he got it, his head sunk in.
Don’t worry, ‘cause I’m drunken.

I’m a “So” man, I’m a “So” man
I’m a “So” man, I’m a “So” man

Got where I am the hard way
And I keep it secret, each and every day
(more…)

April 20, 2008

McCain

Filed under: Parody — Tags: , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 4:00 AM
If you’ve been paying close attention to the news, you might have learned that John McCain has a bit of an honesty problem. He just flat out tells untruths, also known as lies. There have been several articles recently about his connection with a lobbyist, and whether or not he went too far in helping her client. But John McCain gets a pass from the media when his integrity should be questioned at every turn. Do you really know where he stands on anything? Besides trying to give us a third Bush term, which he seems to think the American people want. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this song parody about McCain’s lies. It’s to the tune of Eric Clapton’s immortal “Cocaine”.

McCain
Original words and music by J.J. Cale
Additional lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2008

If you wanna have clout
You’ve gotta call him out
McCain
If you wanna see frowns
See frowns all around
McCain

He’s all lies
He’s all lies
He’s all lies
McCAIN

When he gets to lose
He’s gonna have them blues
McCAIN
(more…)

April 19, 2008

Young Voters Shun Third parties – More Politics As Usual

Filed under: Commentary — Tags: — Wayne A. Schneider @ 9:20 PM

According to a story by the AP’s John Riley (via Raw Story), young voters today are shunning third parties in favor of the traditional two major political parties. One 21-year-old interviewed considered himself “among those who see third-party candidates as spoilers, a view that, coupled with a renewed excitement for major party candidates, is draining key support from third parties in 2008.” And since third-party condidates often get their support from young voters, this year the pickings from the two major parties seemed too good to pass up.

Koch said another reason support for third-party candidates is waning is the dynamics of this year’s presidential race. Strong support for the Democratic candidates, especially Obama, has energized young and first-time voters to turn out in primaries and caucuses.

In addition, there are no particularly strong third-party candidates who have distinguished themselves from the major party candidates this year, Koch said. The possible candidacies of Ralph Nader, former Republican congressman Bob Barr of Georgia and former Democratic congresswoman Cynthia McKinney of Georgia have the potential to grab some support from young voters, he said, but probably will not.

As a result of this, the next generation of young voters will help perpetuate the main problem with our two-party system of politics – the two major political parties, and the winner-take-all system of electoral politics that favors it. If you read your US Constitution carefully, you will find that nowhere does it mention political parties. Nor does it specify that there be two and only two “leaders” in each House. By all rights, Sen Bernie Sanders (Soc-VT) should be considered the Socialist Party Leader in the US Senate. It’s the Senate Rules that prevent him from claiming that title. (Note: He is the only Socialist Party member in Congress, but that would still make him the leader.) And the reason it is that way is because the two major parties want it that way. (more…)

April 18, 2008

Flag Pin

Filed under: Parody — Tags: , , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 10:54 PM
Enough with the nonsense about who does and who doesn’t wear a flag pin! Is that what it takes to prove you love your country? A flag pin? You mean it’s come to this? (Enjoy rockin’ to Aerosmith’s “Rag Doll”, a real cool tune and a slightly racy video.)

Flag Pin
Original Words and Music, “Rag Doll”, by Steven Tyler, Joe Perry, Jim Vallance, and Holly Knight, 1987
Additional Lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2008

Flag Pin, wear it on your clothing
Spot check, ev’rybody’s noting
It’s so fine, you’ll never see me leave it by the back door
Man
Got mine, wear it nice and easy
Want proof, come on up and see me
Flag pin, buddy won’t you don it like you done before

I’m feeling like a flag boy
Mm just like a flag boy
I’m looking at a flag pin
Like talkin’ to an old friend
(more…)

Joke Time: Future Handicapping

Filed under: Joke Time — Tags: , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 4:00 AM

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, “I want to go to Disneyland.”

George said, “No problem. I’ll take you there on Air Force One”.

The second kid said, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”

George said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”

The third kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!”

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, “But you don’t look like you are handicapped.”

The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!”

April 15, 2008

Justice Calling

Filed under: Parody — Tags: , , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 11:52 PM
What is it going to take for Congress to begin realizing that this president, like his equally, if not more so, guilty vice president, doesn’t merely bend or break the law, he flat out flaunts it! It’s time to impeach them, try them, find them guilty without having to take time to order lunch, and remove them from office. Oh, and then turn them over to the The Hague.
In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this song based on “London Calling” by The Clash.
Justice Calling
Original Words and Music “London Calling” by Joe Strummer and Mick Jones, 1999
Additional Lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2008

Justice calling from the faraway towns
Before war is declared, they must be brought down
Justice calling from the entire world
Come out and get on board all you boys and girls
Justice calling now don’t look at us
All that phoney Neo-mania has bitten the dust
Justice calling see we ain’t got no pull
Sick of that cry of the “privilege” bull

The Clampdown is coming , the guns are aiming in
Protests expected and our rights are growing thin
Falsehoods keep coming and they rule by fear
Justice is calling and I want it delivered

Justice calling to the presidential drones
(more…)

April 14, 2008

Joke Time: The Gorilla and The Redneck

Filed under: Joke Time — Tags: — Wayne A. Schneider @ 4:00 AM

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

“First”, Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.” The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

“Second”, he said, “She must wear a ‘Dale Earnhardt Forever’ T-Shirt.” The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

“Third”, he said, “you can’t never tell no one about this.” The keeper obviously agreed to this condition.

“Fourth”, Bobby Lee said, “I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.” Once again it was agreed.

“And last,” Bobby Lee said, “I’ll need another week to come up with the $500.”

April 11, 2008

I Cross The Line

Filed under: Parody — Tags: , , , , , , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 4:00 AM
Well, we all know Rush Limbaugh can be a real slimeball sometimes. I mean, what with the lying, and the distorting, and the racism stuff. And it’s not new with him. Early in his career, he went by the radio DJ name Jeff Christie. (Real “macho” name, eh?) And he was known to say controversial things, one of which I allude to in this song parody. (The link in the line is to a Snopes.com article confirming its veracity.) So, without further ado, another tribute to Rush Limbaugh, courtesy of Johnny Cash’s “I Walk The Line”, 1959.

I Cross The Line
Original Words and Music “I Walk The Line”, by Johnny Cash, 1959
Additional Lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2008

I keep a close watch on this hate of mine
I keep my mouth wide open all the time
I keep the mike on for the lie that shines
Because I’m slime, I cross the line

I find it very, very easy to fool you
I find myself alone when each day is through
(more…)

April 8, 2008

Comedy Classics – Copper Clappers

Filed under: Joke Time — Tags: , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 10:44 PM

Enjoy this great moment from The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.

Picking My Brain 08-04-08

Filed under: Brain Pickings — Tags: , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 4:00 AM

Hi! If you haven’t already stopped by, welcome to my new blog location. My name is Wayne, and I’ll be your tour guide. Please keep your heads and arms inside the vehicle at all times, as I like to step on the gas a bit. This particular segment is the part of our show (and there may be more throughout the week) where I talk about various things that have been floating around in my brain, waiting to get picked out. Let’s see what came out on the end of my finger today, shall we?

I’ve said this before (and for other reasons), but these polls that they put out that ask, “If the election were held today, who would you vote for?” are really kind of dumb. The election isn’t being held today (*), so the entire premise of the question is meaningless. Therefore, the results can be safely ignored. It doesn’t matter who leads in them, because a single major gaffe just days before Election Day can throw those pre-election polls out the window. They should stop doing them until it gets closer to having meaning. There, I said it and I’m glad.

Well, my beloved New York Mets are getting the heartache out of the way early this year. They’re already playing under-.500 ball, but at least their division is the tightest one yet in the first week of Major League Baseball 2008 (“Now Mostly Steroid-Free”). Plenty of time to go. Plenty of time to start drinking again.

Why, oh, why does MSNBC continue to allow Tucker Carlson to sit in front of a functioning camera? Last night he was shouting the Right-Wing Look-Over-There Talking Point about how we should forget about how we got into this war in Iraq because we’re there! Well, in a nutshell, Tucker, the point we’re making is that it was the Right Wing’s entire thought process about this whole invasion of Iraq that needs to be fleshed out and exposed, and that means talking about how we were lied to from the very beginning about the actual danger that Iraq posed to the U.S. Therefore, the opinions of the people who got us there are, as far was we’re concerned, not to be given too much weight. Voice them, but don’t expect them to be heeded. Why can’t you people understand that? Or is it because you do not want the truth exposed?

Okay, a word about (what I hope) will be the routine here. That is, until either personal boredom or “customer satisfaction” demands that I change it. Here’s what you’ll see throughout the week.

As you have already seen, I’ll be trying to start the week off with a joke each Monday morning. You may not know this about me, but I enjoy trying to make people laugh. (You’ve got something on your shoe.) I sincerely hope you didn’t just look down at your shoe. I get one point for each one of you that did.

After the driving I did over the weekend and commuting to work yesterday, I can see I’m going to need to do more work on my “Driving Me Crazy” series. Visitors of my former blogsite will recognize the first three inthe series when they come up starting this Wednesday, and there should be more after that. I confess right now: I have no patience for stupidity. It’s not that I do not suffer fools gladly, it’s that I do not suffer fools.

Fridays will be Parody Days, usually of a song most people are, more or less, familiar with. One of the reasons I decided to move over here was because it seemed easier to upload videos, and I didn’t feel like waiting for the other guys to fix their problem, so I decided to start moving stuff here. I plan to have a video to go along with each song parody (not of my words, but the original), to make it easier to follow the new lyrics. That’s easier to do on WordPress. (For now.) And one of the reasons I started my blog was to put my song parodies up for the world to see, enjoy, and critique (one way or the other; I value your honest feedback.)

Two of my works that I am proud of are on separate pages, accessible to the right (under “Pages”). They are “The Craving”, a poem about the Bush Administration and his/its quest for power under the Unitary Executive (and I even managed to work those words into it!) Theory. And it’s done in the style of Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven” (“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary…”). I hope you enjoy it and let me know what you think of it. The other is a parody of the entire rock oepra “Tommy” by The Who (minus the most boring song on the album). It’s about George Bush and the lengths he and his pals go to to preserve their phony baloney jobs. It even includes who’s supposed to be saying the lines, just like in the original liner notes. If I can find them, I hope to put up videos of them singing the various songs (as many as possible), but I promise that none will come from that horrid movie. I’ll let it slip when new ones get added. Don’t worry. Seriously, don’t worry.

Eventually we’ll find a day to throw up posts about our cats (some written by my lovely wife, Jane.) And we’ll find a way to put up Jane’s great nature photos for all to see and enjoy. The rest of the time will be filled in with Brain Pickings and Jokes. Like the one that hopefully appears right below this post (if I did it correctly). I hope you enjoy the site.

And welcome to my brain. Some dissembling required.

(*) Not valid on Election Day

Joke Time: The Magician and the Parrot

Filed under: Joke Time — Tags: , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 3:55 AM

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ”It’s in his sleeve!”

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ”It’s in his pocket!”

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ”I give up, what’d you do with the ship?”

April 7, 2008

Joke Time: Classic Hollywood Squares

These are actual questions and answers from the old, original days of Hollywood Squares. Some of you out there remember. If you do, I guarantee you’ll get a good laugh out of these. And, of course, Peter Mashall asked the questions. Enjoy.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q.If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

April 6, 2008

Use Your Ass

Filed under: Parody — Tags: , , , , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 6:45 PM
It’s the future. Sen Hillary Rodham Clinton has won the nomination of the Democratic Party. Well, she walked away with it, let’s say. But her problem is the people she has running her campaign. They’re the same-old-same-old, and they will lose this election for her if she doesn’t watch out. She needs to find a team that doesn’t resort to the kind of campaign tricks you see from the Republicans. Otherwise, her story could end up like this.

It’s set to the tune of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself”. (Great song, by the way.) To help you follow the song, here is a link to a YouTube video in which someone has captioned the song juxtaposed with a series of sometimes comical pictures. Much hilarity ensues. (No, seriously, it’s actually pretty cool and if you’re not familiar with the song – it did win an Academy Award ™ – then this video really helps to follow it. As a suggestion, open a second browser for the video, and resize the two windows so that you can watch the video and follow the lyrics. If you don’t know how to do all that, then please enjoy the lyrics and put on a CD.)

And, as usual, I have to thank Jane for her help with this.
You can see a video of the song here

Use Your Ass
Original Music and Lyrics, “Lose Yourself”, by Marshall Mathers
Additional Lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2008

spoken
Look,
If you had
One shot
Or one opportunity
To be president of the U.S.
One moment
Would you capture it,
Or just let it slip?

music
Yo, her plans are ready,
Themes tweaked, coffers heavy
There’s paper on her sweater already, more confetti,
She’s laughing, but to the staffing
She looks cool and steady
To stomp John, but she keep’s on forgetting
(more…)

Hello world!

Filed under: Commentary — Wayne A. Schneider @ 6:01 PM

Pardon our appearance.  I’m in the process of transferring stuff from my current blog, Pick Wayne’s Brain over on Blogspot.com. But do check back in from time to time. If I put anything new up on the other blog, I’ll post it here. And, eventually, the vast majority of Jane’s and my posts will get transferred here, for easier reference. Yes, even the song parodies.

Meanwhile, thanks for checking in, and if you’ve never heard of me before, please go visit my other site. Take care.

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