Pick Wayne's Brain

August 13, 2009

The Sex I’ve had

Filed under: Parody — Tags: , , , , , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 1:00 AM

I certainly hope you didn’t think I was going to talk about my sex life, because that story could fill an index card using block lettering. Not much there. But there is someone whose sex life we can make fun of, and that’s my soon-to-be-former Governor Eliot “Ness” Spitzer. You might have heard he got himself into a little bit of trouble playing with the ladies, if you know what I mean. Expensive ones, too! If it turns out that if any state money was used, which do you think each New Yorker should get? A tax refund equal to their share of the amount misused, or an equivalent amount of time, at normal tax-paying-Joe rates, with the prostitute? That might be a tough choice for some. But I’m sure my lovely wife, Jane, with whom I have been living for twenty years this month since I got out of the Air Force, will give me proper guidance as to which answer I am allowed to choose. Aren’t you, Honey?

Anyway, here’s a silly thing I wrote about our Dear Governor’s little sexual problem. It’s to the tune of The Band’s “The Shape I’m In”, written by J.R. Robertson, © 1970 Canaan Music, Inc.

The Sex I’ve Had
Original words and music “The Shape I’m In” by J.R. Robertson, © 1970 Canaan Music, Inc.
Additional lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, © 2008

Go out wander, sex in the motel
Come downtown, have to tumble in a hotel
Oh, you don’t know the sex I’ve had

Has anybody seen my lady
If she finds out, it’ll drive her crazy
Oh, she don’t know the sex I’ve had

I’m gonna go down to the District
But she aint comin’ with me, no, no
I’ll just be looking for my lover
And I hear that’s where she’s been, oh!

Doing this ten years, maybe ‘leven
Now, how in the world will I get to heaven?
Oh, you don’t know the sex I’ve had

I might spend 60 days in the jailhouse
For the crime of having mojo
Now here I am back out on the street
For the time I’m having nowhere to go

Keep my wife or keep my lover
Look like it’s one or the other
Oh, you don’t know the sex I’ve had

My three young kids might start a ruckus
You know I fear them trying to fuck us
Oh, they don’t know the sex I’ve had

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