Pick Wayne's Brain

January 1, 2010

Coulter (A Song Parody)

Filed under: Parody — Tags: , , , , , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 6:00 AM

This song was originally posted on 01/30/07. I think it helps remind us how racists do not understand their own racism.

I’m a fan of David Brock’s Media Matters for America (I highly recommend it to fans of this blog.) Recently, I got a notice that Ann Coulter had done it again. This time, Sean Hannity had invited Ann Coulter onto his radio show to discuss Democratic Presidential candidates (which strikes me a little like Dr. Josef Mengele sitting down with Adolf Eichmann to discuss important contributions by Jewish people, but maybe that’s just me.) So, Coulter says this:

”When Gerald Ford died a few weeks ago, all of the coverage kept saying, you know, coyly suggesting that he was a mediocrity, that he had never passed any major legislation, never passed any major legislation — which, you know, on one hand, we’re Republicans; we don’t want them passing legislation, we want them repealing legislation — but leaving that point aside, I mean, everything they were saying to point out how little qualified Ford was as this accidental president is surely true, you know, tenfold in the case of Obama. And I do think it does show — it further confirms my point that Democrats are racist, and they’re just stunned to find a black man who can walk and talk. And, you know, not being a racist, I’m not really that impressed with a black man who can walk and talk. I knew that.”

So did we, asshole. And that was a very racist thing to say, by the way.

Well, those of us who pay at least some attention to her ramblings know that her sanity is highly in question, but so is her gender. Thanks to Ray Davies of the Kinks for bravely writing “Lola” which, due to its ambiguous and possibly suggestive lyrics (“But I know what I am and I’m glad I’m a man and so is Lola”. So is Lola “glad” or “a man”?), was banned by many radio stations who just didn’t want to have to answer that question for callers.

Some things you may or may not know about Ann Coulter. She was one of several lawyers who helped Paula Jones in her imaginary pursuit of justice against president Bill Clinton (they were known as “elves”). And her e-mail address really is tom@anncoulter.com. I don’t know why.

And, as usual, thank you, Jane. Finally, the “Ann Coulter” in this song parody is purely fictional. I don’t claim that all these things are true. I just won’t say which ones I think really are. Enjoy.

UPDATE: It appears that Ann Coulter still doesn’t understand the problem of racism in this country.

UPDATE II: And still, just five months after that, she thinks we need to use racial profiling to stop potential terrorists. What’s she gonna say when people start getting incorrectly profiled as terrorists? Is she going to say that these cases were all hoaxes, too? Let’s re-visit a classic.

Original words and music “Lola” by Ray Davies
Additional lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider ©2007

I met her in a store down in Washington
Where she signed her book and gave customers the cold shoulder
She looked up to me and she said something weird
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said Coulter
Co-Co-Co-Co Coulter

Well I’m not dumb but I can’t understand
Why she looked like a woman and smelled like a man
Oh my Coulter
Co-Co-Co-Co Coulter
Well I’m not a big testosterone guy
But when she tried to flirt, her Adam’s Apple lied
Oh my Coulter
Co-Co-Co-Co Coulter
Co-Co-Co-Co Coulter

Well she spewed poison and raged all night
Such an eclectic sense of “right”
She picked me up and sat me on her knee
And said, “Dear boy, don’t get liberal with me!”

Well I’m not the most intellectual guy but when I heard her rant
Well I almost fell off my Coulter
Co-Co-Co-Co Coulter
Co-Co-Co-Co Coulter
Co-Co-Co-Co Coulter
Co-Co-Co-Co Coulter

She pushed onto me.
I felt something wrong.
It felt like a tongue.
I got kicked round my knee.
Then I felt her heel dig into me.

So that’s the way that she wanted to play
But I never want it to be that way
With my Coulter,
Co-Co-Co-Co Coulter.
Tom may be Ann and Ann may be Tom,
It’s her e-mail address and I wonder how come?
Tom at AnnCoulter,
Co-Co-Co-Co Coulter

Well, I know she was gung-ho for war,
And she never ever served her country before.
But Coulter didn’t seem to understand,
Not all people share her hatred of Man

Well, I don’t know but I think it’s a trick,
How she can walk like a woman and still have a dick
Oh, my Coulter,


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