Pick Wayne's Brain

September 6, 2014

This Week In Paranoia: Kill Whitey, Big Sodomy, and A Criminal Organization By Any Other Name

Courtesy of our good friends at Right Wing Watch, we learned of several conspiracy theories floating around in the toilets known as the minds of right wing lunatics, some of whom you’ve heard of before. We’ve got the president planning to kill all the white people so he can declare martial law (which would seem silly since he could declare martial law first and save the taxpayers’ money on bullets.) We’ve got citizen border patrols sneaking upon and nearly apprehending scientists studying bats. We’ve got Teh Gays coming for your kids, as always. (Why is it always the kids Teh Gays want? Why aren’t they after your husbands and boyfriends, which is far more likely?) We’ve got the President secretly flying from Hawaii back to Washington to attend Christmas services at a mosque, then back to his family in Hawaii again without anybody noticing. And we’ve got a right wing cacophony of cries of secret messages and support for terrorists because the President chose to use a more accurate acronym for the bad guys. Nothing more than that. He just decided to use an ‘L’ instead of an ‘S’, and now you and I are going to die.

Professional Misanthrope Michael “Savage” Weiner wants you to buy his book (which I highly advise against) so you’ll understand how President Barack Obama is plotting to instigate an insurrection. He’s going to do it by granting amnesty for millions of people who entered the country illegally. (One would think it would be only for the crime of entering the country, and not for everything illegal that they did, the way President Richard Nixon got a full pardon even for illegal acts we didn’t know he did, but you never know when you’re dealing with the Savage Mind of Michael Weiner.) And when all the white people rise up and protest this unconstitutional use of his vaguely defined pardon power, he’ll have no choice but to “mow down” all the white people rising up against him, and THEN declare martial law. You know that only a paranoid conservative could come up with a plot like that. It makes no difference that he peppers his fear mongering with things like, “I hope I’m wrong.” Why do conservatives believe that everybody wants to settle their differences with a gun? It’s the psychological behavior known as Projection, where you ascribe in others the things you hate about yourself, and where you believe you know how they’ll behave because you presume they’ll behave just as you would, even though the primary reason you hate them so much is that they never do what you would do in a given situation. Conservative minds are really messed up. And they seem to have vivid, bloody imaginations.

Just when you thought it was safe to count bats in an Arizona cave, along come a group of self-proclaimed patrollers of the border to start shining spotlights on you and calling the REAL Border Patrol agents, who eventually show up to find out you’re just a bunch of scientists doing a biological survey, and not a bunch of Mexicans deliberately not answering your Spanish. It was reported that no guns were pointed in the making of this nightmare, but to that I say, “Not this time.” These self-proclaimed “patriots” need to learn a few things: 1) They are hindering more than helping. In this case, Border Patrol agents were diverted from their primary job of trying to catch real immigration law violators. 2) They don’t need to carry guns if they’re just going to observe and report. 3) It is illegal to detain or assist someone crossing the border illegally. We taxpayers have decided we want the people we hired to patrol the borders to be the ones doing it, not a bunch of, let’s face it, racists, determined to make an example of somebody without, somehow, going to prison for it. If they are truly concerned about terrorists, or anybody else, entering our country illegally, then why don’t they patrol our Northern border, which has virtually nobody patrolling it? There are plenty of places where you could walk across unnoticed. I believe they’re not as concerned about people of their same skin color coming into this country.

But if the bat-counting scientists don’t get you, Lee Duigon is convinced Teh Gays will. You see, Duigon believes that his right to freely exercise his religion trumps your right to have sex with the consenting adult of your choice, especially if that adult is of the same gender as you. He refers to the effort to have LGBT people afforded the same rights and protections against discrimination as anyone else would, “Big Sodomy.” As Shakespeare might have said, “The bigot doth protest too much, methinks.” When you come up with a term like “Big Sodomy” to refer to the struggle for LGBT equality, you’ve given this way too much thought. I would like to publicly suggest to Mr. Duigon that if it bothers him so much, perhaps he should stop thinking about it all the time. Besides, your alleged religion (it’s supposed to be one of the various forms of Christianity) teaches you to love one another, not look for some irrelevant excuse to hate someone. I can promise you, Mr. Duigon, that most of what you think you know about gay people is very probably wrong. And what you understand about religious freedom is even less correct. Your right to practice the religion of your choice stops at my body. You cannot force me to follow your religious beliefs. I really wish Conservative Christians would understand that, but they can’t.

Speaking of someone who should stop thinking, Kamal Saleem, a right-wing darling who claims to have been a terrorist for several organizations (but who somehow has managed to avoid eating a drone missile) cites as absolute proof that Obama is a secret Muslim the “fact” that Obama went to a Washington, DC, mosque on Christmas Day to pray. For some reason, Saleem thinks that when Obama said, “The future must not belong to those who slander the prophet [of] Islam,” he was siding with the minority of extremists who exploit a radical interpretation of the Koran. He also thinks that despite the well-documented fact that President Obama has spent every Christmas of his presidency in the state of his birth, Hawaii, with his family, that Obama managed to fly into DC, go to a mosque, take off his shoes to pray, and then flew back to Hawaii without the press or anybody else hearing about it. It amazes me the lengths some people will go to make their false view of reality seem plausible to the even less-well educated.

But if secretly abandoning his family for a 20-hour round trip just to get in a quick prayer at his favorite mosque (where he wouldn’t have to listen to the same Christian pastor he’d been listening to denigrate America for 20 years) wasn’t bad enough, now Obama is trying to confuse everybody in the US by using a different (and probably more correct) acronym to describe the latest band of criminals sweeping across Iraq. I seriously doubt our American media will ever call them by their Arabic name, al-Dawla al-Islamiya fil-Iraq wa al-Sham. Instead they’ll insist on something easier to pronounce, like a four-letter acronym based on the English translation of their name. And therein lies the problem, because they don’t seem to agree on how to translate the last word, al-Sham. Some translate it as “Syria”, thus making the scronym ISIS, while others say it actually refers to the area of Greater Syria known as the Levant, making the English-language acronym ISIL. But professional hate monger and weekend children’s party clown, Pamela Geller, thinks the president is just trying to confuse people by referring to them as ISIL. This is strange because on her own blog she wrote

The media had amended the name of the Islamic army tearing through Syria and Iraq to ISIS (Islamic State of Syria and Iraq). But the correct name is ISIL (Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant). What is the the Levant? The geographical area they mean to rule. The Levant includes Egypt, Lebanon, Israel, Jordan, Cyprus and parts of Turkey.

If she thinks ordinary Americans are confused by this, what does she think her two-digit IQ readership thinks?


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