Pick Wayne's Brain

July 4, 2011

Last Words

Filed under: Joke Time — Tags: , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 3:31 PM

A poster (badmoodman) at the other blog I contribute to (TheZoo) posted this hilarious video about a Civil War colonel’s last words…

June 15, 2011

Comedy Classics – Laugh-In

Laugh-In was one of my favorite shows growing up. And look at all the famous people who appeared when they were much younger, and alive.

May 19, 2008

Joke Time: The Farmer’s Daughters

Filed under: Joke Time — Tags: — Wayne A. Schneider @ 4:08 AM

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first date came to the door and said, ”I’m Eddie, I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going for spaghetti, is she ready?”

“No,” the farmer said.

The second guy came to the door and said, ”I’m Joe, I’m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?”

“No.”

The third boy came to the door and said to the farmer. ”Hello, my name is Chuck.”

The farmer shot Chuck.

May 12, 2008

Joke Time: Three Old Ladies

Filed under: Joke Time — Tags: — Wayne A. Schneider @ 4:00 AM

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”

May 5, 2008

Joke Time: Kittens

Filed under: Joke Time — Tags: , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 4:00 AM

George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Bush asks the girl, “What’s in the basket?”

She replies, “New baby kittens,” and she opens the basket to show him.

“How nice,” says Bush. “What kind are they?”

The little girl says, “Republicans.”

Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.

Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket.

Bush says, “Watch this, Karl — it’s really cute.”

They approach the little girl. Bush greets her and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, “Fine.” Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl, “And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?”

She replies, “Democrats.”

Aghast, Bush says, “But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!”

“I know,” she says. “But now their eyes are open.”

April 28, 2008

Joke Time: Sunday Morning Sex

Filed under: Joke Time — Tags: — Wayne A. Schneider @ 4:00 AM
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

April 18, 2008

Joke Time: Future Handicapping

Filed under: Joke Time — Tags: , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 4:00 AM

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, “I want to go to Disneyland.”

George said, “No problem. I’ll take you there on Air Force One”.

The second kid said, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”

George said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”

The third kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!”

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, “But you don’t look like you are handicapped.”

The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!”

April 14, 2008

Joke Time: The Gorilla and The Redneck

Filed under: Joke Time — Tags: — Wayne A. Schneider @ 4:00 AM

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

“First”, Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.” The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

“Second”, he said, “She must wear a ‘Dale Earnhardt Forever’ T-Shirt.” The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

“Third”, he said, “you can’t never tell no one about this.” The keeper obviously agreed to this condition.

“Fourth”, Bobby Lee said, “I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.” Once again it was agreed.

“And last,” Bobby Lee said, “I’ll need another week to come up with the $500.”

April 8, 2008

Comedy Classics – Copper Clappers

Filed under: Joke Time — Tags: , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 10:44 PM

Enjoy this great moment from The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.

Joke Time: The Magician and the Parrot

Filed under: Joke Time — Tags: , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 3:55 AM

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ”It’s in his sleeve!”

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ”It’s in his pocket!”

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ”I give up, what’d you do with the ship?”

April 7, 2008

Joke Time: Classic Hollywood Squares

These are actual questions and answers from the old, original days of Hollywood Squares. Some of you out there remember. If you do, I guarantee you’ll get a good laugh out of these. And, of course, Peter Mashall asked the questions. Enjoy.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q.If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

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