Pick Wayne's Brain

July 27, 2013

The Acerebralists™ Are Still Among Us


I own a great book (thank you, Jane) called “The Superior Person’s Book of Words”, by Peter Bowler (1985). It’s very funny and has definitions (or explanations) of a bunch of great and, almost always, actual words that describe things perfectly. Not quite Ambrose Bierce, but chosen to effect an air of superiority when the occasion calls for it. Words like

CONTRADISTINCTION n. Why say “in contrast with” when you can say “in contradistinction to”?

There’s another great entry for

EREPTION n. Snatching away. Do not confuse with EREPTATION (creeping forth). Snuggling up to your beloved at the drive-in, you say, “I sense an ereption coming on,” and suddenly snatch the M&Ms from her lap. If it transpires that she has put the M&Ms somewhere else, you will be compelled to perform an ereptation.

The whole book is like that. It’s great. On the back cover can be found this:

ACEREBRAL a.Without a brain. A word for which there would at first sight appear to be no use, since no entity to which there would be any point in applying the term could in fact possess this attribute. (There would be no point in speaking of an acerebral windowsill.) However, recent researches into the central nervous system of the wire-haired terrier have conclusively demonstrated the need for such a word.

I then (technically improperly, I think) applied a suffix to indicate a person who practices or is concerned with something (“-ist”), and came up with

ACEREBRALIST™ n. A person who (more…)

March 30, 2013

Is the U.N. Really Coming to Take Our Guns?

Filed under: Commentary — Tags: , , , , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 9:31 AM

To hear some people on the Right tell it, the United Nations is going to be sending troops with light blue helmets door to door to confiscate your guns. But is that even remotely true? Well, I did start this post with “To hear some people on the Right tell it…” so that should be a clue. The answer is a simple “No,” but if you want something more complicated than that, then “No, and can I have some of what you’re on?” The United Nations is not about to do anything of the sort. In fact, it would be just as accurate to say that the Wicked Witch of the West is sending her flying monkeys to everyone’s house to confiscate the guns of law-abiding citizens and to fling poo at them. Let me be as clear as I can be: The United Nations is (more…)

April 16, 2011

Enemy (The Album Parody)

Filed under: Parody — Tags: , , , , , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 10:15 PM

The same friend who once gave me a suggestion that resulted in “Georgie (A Rock Opera Parody)” recently suggested I should try to do a concept album, out of one that wasn’t originally a concept album. Having just completed “Against The Universe” (below), I wondered if I could do something about Fox News Channel with all of the songs on the Beatles album “Let It Be”. I hope you like the result. I suggest you just pop in the CD, play it through from start to finish, and follow along with the lyrics below. You can decide for yourself which songs are talking about whom, or what.

Enemy (The Album parody)

I did a pygmy by Rupert Murdoch and the Death Panels.
Phase One in which Doocy gets his oats.

(more…)

December 30, 2010

Against the Universe

Filed under: Parody — Tags: , , , , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 8:10 PM

It’s getting bad at Fox News Channel. (Okay, maybe I should say “worse.”) It’s like they live in their own little universe and rant and rail against ours, the real one. Actual facts mean nothing to them. Take the recent blizzard in the Northeast. Those of us who understand how climate change (of which global warming is but one part) affects the climate could have told you this would happen, and that it will happen again. The people at Fox (in particular, Tucker Carlson, who may possibly be the stupidest man on television in addition to being the biggest dick), on the other hand, said the blizzard “proved” that global warming didn’t exist. As Strother Martin said in Cool Hand Luke, “What we have here is failure to communicate. Some men just can’t be reached.” But then they went ahead and created Fox News Channel anyway.

UPDATE: For a sampling of the kind of lies Fox News Channel has told over the years, check out this compilation of the lies they told in 2010. (Source: MediaMatters.org)

Against the Universe
Original words and music by John Lennon and Paul McCartney, 1968
Additional lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2010

Words are spewing out of mindless brains into a microphone
They differ while they pass, they spin away against the universe
Fools of sorrow they destroy the shifting few with open minds
Dissenting and resenting me
(more…)

July 8, 2010

Down in the Foxhole

I truly believe the trio on “Fox & Friends” are doing the nation a huge disservice. Oh, sure, they’re entertaining because they don’t know what they’re talking about. But they’re dangerous because they work hard to convince their audience that they do know what they’re talking about. And their audience (as far as the ones they’re intending to reach) are not the type inclined to do their own fact-checking. For that they rely on Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck. Luckily for us there’s Newshounds (motto: “We watch FOX so you don’t have to.”) So I wrote this parody about the dimwits (and by “dimwits”, I mean Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, and Brian Kilmeade, in case anyone thinks I’m being vague) on “Fox & Friends”. I hope you enjoy it. (And I thank you, Jane, for your help.)

Down in the Foxhole
Original words and music “Down on the Corner” by John Fogarty,
Additional lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider

Early in the mornin’, just about breakfast time
Over on the Fox set, they’re startin’ with no minds
Three dips on the TV, tryin’ to stir you up
Rupert picks a theme out and they all begin to harp

Down in the Foxhole, out comes deceit
Gretchy and the Dumb Boys are spinnin’
Keep it simple, tap the heat

Brian hits the stupid, and people just got to smile
(more…)

October 16, 2009

Around To Shout

Filed under: Parody — Tags: , , , , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 8:34 PM

A long, long time ago, in a college far, far away, I awkwardly sat in on one of my first dorm parties. The stereo was playing “Roundabout” by Yes. I didn’t know much about rock and roll, having grown up with parents who preferred country and western. The old country and western, with the twangy voices and such. Not today’s rock and roll-style country that the younger folks, and even some of the older folks, enjoy today. I knew I liked the song and said so to the guy next to me. He looked at me and said, “You’re normal.” Little did he know…

If I do say so myself, I prefer this version of the song to the original, because my lyrics make more sense. You can actually tell what the hell my song’s about. It’s about Fox News Channel, of course. I hope you enjoy it.

Around To Shout
Original words and music “Roundabout” by Jon Anderson, Steve Howe
Additional lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider

They’ll be around to shout
The words will make you have your doubt
They spend the day this way
(more…)

April 10, 2009

Tea Bag Party

Filed under: Parody — Tags: , , , , , , , — Wayne A. Schneider @ 10:50 PM

Well, a whole bunch of people (or so we are told) will be out having their Tea Bag Parties on Wednesday, April 15th. Supposedly these folks are going to be protesting government spending, or taxes, or something they don’t like. No matter what they’re protesting about, it’s a good bet that almost everyone of them will be getting a tax cut under Obama’s new budget (though it’s hard to convince them of that.) Fox News Channel is planning threatening to cover the protests, so we’ll get to see the mixed bag of nuts that plan to attend.

Anyway, I wondered what attending one of those things would be like, and with the help of Rick Nelson’s “Garden Party”, it might go something like this…

Tea Bag Party
Original words and music “Garden Party”, by Rick Nelson, 1971
Additional lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2009

I went to a Tea Bag Party to demonstrate with my new friends
A chance to shout obscenities and raise our voice again
When I got to the Tea Bag Party, they all played the game
No one recognized me, I didn’t sound the same

But they’re so right wing, They honed their hatred well
You see, they can’t please anyone, so they got to please themselves

People came from miles around, cable news was there
Bill-O brought his goon squad, it was tragic ev’rywhere
‘N’ over in the corner, much to my surprise
(more…)

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