They’re Both Wrong

Just this past Thursday (remember that day; a mere three days ago) Rep. Markwayne Mullin (R-OK) had an unpleasant conversation with a constituent who insisted that Barack Obama was constitutionally ineligible to be the President of the United States. She claimed to have proof in the form of some papers supposedly gathered by Arizona Bigot-Extraordinaire Joe Arpaio’s Cold Case Posse (which I sincerely hope didn’t use a penny of taxpayer money pursuing this non-crime), but the Congressman was not interested in looking at them. He said to her (and it sure sounds like this to my hard-of-hearing ears), “I don’t even give a shit.” She tried to claim it was “a matter of law.” For his part, the Congressman’s argument was that “We had four years to take care of that,” and that because Obama was re-elected, it was a “dead issue” and “we lost that argument.”

They’re both wrong.

No matter how many times they bring it up

The John McCain Collection

This is a compilation of all the song parodies I have written about John McCain. People consider him to be a hero because he survived several years as a P.O.W. I like Al Franken’s perspective. Long before Al became a Senator, he said to McCain, “Well you basically sat out the war.” McCain at least has enough of a sense of humor to recognize that as funny, and he did laugh. But his recent flip-flopping, such as denying he ever considered himself a maverick, have shown him to be a desperate man hoping to keep his job so he doesn’t have to go home to his $100,000,000 wife. Here, now, are the song parodies I’ve written about Senator John McCain (Maverick, AZ).

The Sarah Palin Collection

Does the sight of Sarah Palin on your TV machine make you nauseous? Why not do what I do? Just play one of these six Sarah Palin song parodies in your head. You’ll thank me later.

(I posted them with the commentary I had at the time, if any.)

Don’t Hand Those Clothes To Me

So, will Sarah Palin really try to run for president in 2012? Did she learn anything from the last time she ran for national office? Let’s find out with some help from The Police’s “Don’t Stand So Close To Me”.

Don’t Hand Those Clothes To Me
Original music and lyrics, Sting, 1981
Additional lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider 2009

Young gov’nor, the subject
Of blogger fantasy
She wants this so badly
Knows what she wants to be
Inside her there’s nothing
This girl’s a prop on stage
Veep-picking, she’s so close now
This girl is half his age

Don’t hand,

King No Brain

I decided to re-write McCain’s next stump speech, with some help from The Police. (The rock band, not the law enforcement officials.)

King No Brain
Original words and music “King of Pain” by Gordon M. Sumner 1983
Additional lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider 2008

There’s a younger black man on the trail today
Says the same old things as yesterday
There’s a black man caught by a high-strung cop
There’s a flag pin flap and the smears won’t stop

I have stood here before and said this same refrain
That the world’s turning circles going fast insane
I guess I’m always hoping that you’ll let me reign
But it’s my destiny to be the King No Brain

Dear John McCain

Here is what I would say to John McCain, if I thought he’d listen to me. I was looking for a video to post with this one, and I almost rejected it until it got to around 3:14 in the video. What a hilarious shot. I hope you enjoy it. And John McCain, I hope you listen.

Dear John McCain
Original words and music “Photograph” by Richard Starkey and George Harrison
Additional lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2008

Ev’ry time I hear his voice
It reminds me of the choices, we have to vote
But all I want is a Democrat
Who will realize we’re not going back to before

I think I’ll make it the day you go away
But I can’t take it
If you get voted in to stay-yi-yay-yi-yay

I can’t get used to living here
While my bank is broke, my fears supplied by you
I want the one who’s young and bold

He’s Still Lock and Load to Me

I am frightened at the prospect of a McCain (and subsequent Palin) Presidency because I do not trust him (or her) with our nation’s military arsenal at his (or her) disposal. I think they would be too eager to use them. I will never forget what Bill Clinton said at the convention, “America leads best by the power of our example, not by an example of our power.” I just wish I could trust old “Lock and Load” McCain to keep his itchy trigger finger otherwise occupied. On what (or whom) I couldn’t care less. Enjoy this parody of the great Billy Joel’s “It’s Still Rock and Roll To Me”. And, as always, thank you Jane for your help.

He’s Still Lock and Load To Me
Original words and music “It’s Still Rock and Roll To Me” by Billy Joel, 1980
Additional lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2008

“What’s the matter with the guys I’m hiring?”
Can’t you tell that they’re all too white?
“Maybe I should buy some help from a lobby?”
Welcome back to the ‘Keating Five’.
Where have you been hiding facts lately, Johnny?
You can’t talk trashy ‘cause you think you’re being funny.
Everybody wants to give the “New John” money,
But he’s still “Lock and Load” to me.

“What’s the matter with the war I’m priming?”
Can’t you tell that it’s not our style?
“Should I launch a squad of smart bomb flyers?”
Are you gonna watch the body count pile?

Boulevard of Spoken Schemes

The more I listen to Sen John McCain speak on the campaign trail, the more I am convinced that he’s full of shit. Or demented. Or both. And when he talks, he talks a shitload of lies and revisions of history, especially his own. So, for example, does he favor more regulation of the stock markets and greater oversight, or is he still “fundamentally, a de-regulator”? Here is Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” to help me say it better. And, as always, thank you, Jane for your help.

Boulevard of Spoken Schemes
Original words and music, “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day, 2004
Additional lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2008.

I talk a phony ‘load
The only kind that I have ever known
Don’t know if it shows
But it’s fun for me and I talk a ‘load

I talk this empty streak
On the Boulevard of Spoken Schemes
Where the country weeps
And I’m the phony one and I talk a ‘load

I talk a ‘load
I talk a ‘load
I talk a ‘load
I talk a…

My shadow’s Phony Joe that talks beside me

So I Told the Senator, Thanks, But No Thanks, on That Vice Presidential Pick from Nowhere

Below is an actual message I sent to Senator John McCain, via his contact form. Aren’t the Internets fun?

Dear Senator McCain,

Thanks, but no thanks, on that Vice Presidential Pick from Nowhere. I keep asking myself if you could have picked a worse running mate if you had chosen from among the Republicans you beat to win the nomination. And while I would not have wanted any of them to become president any more than I want you to,

Lady McPalin

Lady McPalin
Original wiords and music “Lady Madonna”, by John Lennon and Paul McCartney
Additional lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2008

Lady McPalin, standing on your feet
Wonder how you manage to take the heat?
Who took the money? Something else was meant.
Did you spend the money that Congress sent?
Friday night a lie about an airplane

The Panderer

This could apply to almost any politician running for office, but I’m sure that some of you out there will see one of the current presidential candidates in it. John McCain being the most obvious, of course. (What do you expect? I’m a Liberal!) It’s to the tune of the famous Dion classic, “The Wanderer”. I hope you enjoy it. I want to thank my wife, Jane, for her help with some of the words. And I want to thank my friend and fellow Critter, Nwmuse, of The Zoo, for the suggestion.

By the way, I don’t know who came up with the idea for the video, but it sort of connects.

The Panderer
Original Words and Music by Ernest Peter Maresca, 1961
Additional lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2008

Oh, well mine’s the type of lie that will make you settle down
Where voting people are, well you know that I’m around
I need ’em so I feed ’em cause to me it’s all a game
I huck ’em and I jive ’em, I don’t even know their names
They call me the Panderer – yeah – the Panderer
I pander round around around around

Oh well there’s Libs on my left side and there’s Conserves on my right
Dishonesty’s the girl, that I’ll be with tonight
And when they ask me which lie I loved the best
I tear open my coat and show a Flag Pin on my chest

McCain

If you’ve been paying close attention to the news, you might have learned that John McCain has a bit of an honesty problem. He just flat out tells untruths, also known as lies. There have been several articles recently about his connection with a lobbyist, and whether or not he went too far in helping her client. But John McCain gets a pass from the media when his integrity should be questioned at every turn. Do you really know where he stands on anything? Besides trying to give us a third Bush term, which he seems to think the American people want. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this song parody about McCain’s lies. It’s to the tune of Eric Clapton’s immortal “Cocaine”.

McCain
Original words and music by J.J. Cale
Additional lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2008

If you wanna have clout
You’ve gotta call him out
McCain
If you wanna see frowns
See frowns all around
McCain

He’s all lies
He’s all lies
He’s all lies
McCAIN

When he gets to lose
He’s gonna have them blues
McCAIN